I find myself becoming increasingly overwhelmed by everyday tasks--go to work, go to internship, shower, read for class--so much so that I feel my heart palpitating on a daily basis. Yet, despite the layers and layers of "importance" (i.e bullshit) in my life, I still feel incomplete. What am I looking for? I guess I can summarized by saying: connection. Yet, I feel that I'm so willing to connect, and everyone else I know is either on an entirely different level than me or uninterested. I find myself seeking out men who...ha, there really isn't an end to that sentence. I just find myself seeking out men, period. But alas, nobody is adequate; nothing is adequate. However, at the end of the day, I'd rather be laying in my room alone with the Christmas lights on, drinking tea, watching Skins, over running, running, running, to do shit that doesn't even matter.
The other concept that's been on my mind is Time. Yes, capital T because it's scary and elusive and irreversible. Every semester, I lament that it's moving too slowly and too quickly, all at the same time. Suddenly, it's my favorite 2 months: November and December, and as per usual, I find myself alone. Alone, or lonely, I suppose is the question? I'm trying to enjoy the solitude, but I think I would enjoy it more if I had more free time--instead, I shuffle from class to work to internships, without any real connections. If my life is going to be full of unwanted stress and meaningless conversations at bars, I'd at least like a few hours per day to myself, so I can get lost in a book, music, or write. I'm looking forward to next semester, when I can have enough time to spend a lazy weekend day in bed, go to a free concert, and yes, just read. Part of me feels like that's why I so desperately want to do Peace Corps--if I'm going to be isolated, I want to truly be isolated. Of course, that's not the only reason why I want to do PC, but I think it's one of many motivations. So I can lose the habit of desperately checking for facebook chat messages, notifications, and vibrations signifying text messages (might I add--all from boys who could care less if I were dead or alive). And I think that's the part that makes me laugh--I'm so obsessed with these guys who hardly even know me, or even if they do, they hardly care about my life.
So, I'm going to write, write, write and hope that something comes of it. Whether it's just me rambling, or actual ideas beginning to transform themselves into sketches, I think writing is still better than me staring at my facebook, staring at my cell phone, staring at my inbox. And for this very reason, I want to disappear for 2 years, and emerge with fascinating stories and perspectives on life that I could have never found.
The other concept that's been on my mind is Time. Yes, capital T because it's scary and elusive and irreversible. Every semester, I lament that it's moving too slowly and too quickly, all at the same time. Suddenly, it's my favorite 2 months: November and December, and as per usual, I find myself alone. Alone, or lonely, I suppose is the question? I'm trying to enjoy the solitude, but I think I would enjoy it more if I had more free time--instead, I shuffle from class to work to internships, without any real connections. If my life is going to be full of unwanted stress and meaningless conversations at bars, I'd at least like a few hours per day to myself, so I can get lost in a book, music, or write. I'm looking forward to next semester, when I can have enough time to spend a lazy weekend day in bed, go to a free concert, and yes, just read. Part of me feels like that's why I so desperately want to do Peace Corps--if I'm going to be isolated, I want to truly be isolated. Of course, that's not the only reason why I want to do PC, but I think it's one of many motivations. So I can lose the habit of desperately checking for facebook chat messages, notifications, and vibrations signifying text messages (might I add--all from boys who could care less if I were dead or alive). And I think that's the part that makes me laugh--I'm so obsessed with these guys who hardly even know me, or even if they do, they hardly care about my life.
So, I'm going to write, write, write and hope that something comes of it. Whether it's just me rambling, or actual ideas beginning to transform themselves into sketches, I think writing is still better than me staring at my facebook, staring at my cell phone, staring at my inbox. And for this very reason, I want to disappear for 2 years, and emerge with fascinating stories and perspectives on life that I could have never found.
