Dear you,
I'm crawling out of my skin right now. I ache to be touched, to be kissed, to be held close to the heart of someone who loves me, who wants me. You, my beautiful Merlin, I would give anything if it was you. I feel so tired, I just want to crawl in bed and sleep, and pretend to be with you. That's what I do at night, you know, it helps me fall asleep. I pretend I am in your arms, in my mind, we talk about my day, you are holding me, I am happier than I ever am during the rest of my day. Oh, if you ever really found out about this, I'd probably spontaneously combust from pure embarrassment. But, God, I can't tell you what I would do if it only meant that you would be my friend again. Am I crazy, or are you pushing me away because you know it would be so easy to fall in love with me again? We are so similar, you and I, how can we be anything else but the fated other half? And we are opposite enough, too--I could never having a speaking part on stage for nerves, but you were in drama all through high school; I hate coffee, you love it; I can't cook, you can; I am too weak to move on, but you have more than enough strength for that. I'm lying to myself, I know, giving myself false hope because it is all I have left, it tastes so bitter but it's my sustenance. I can almost fool myself into believing that it isn't false at all, that you and I will be together in the end. But that's a movie, a romantic comedy, maybe; that's not life. It's certainly not my life. Maybe Alexis's life. Yes, that sort of thing would happen to her, the beautiful, quirky, sarcastic heroine. But not me. I'm the sidekick, you see, the passably cute, intelligent, supportive best friend. I could never be in the spotlight, I am so afraid of people looking at me, laughing at me. It's funny, I tell myself I would do anything for you, and I would do something as dramatic as take a bullet, or really any sort of death in your place. But a speech? A monologue? A song, dear Jesus, even you could not ask me to do it. Well, of course you could, but it would be with the utmost reluctance. But I know if you smiled at me just right, Jesus, if you touched me, if you really, truly asked me, if you wanted me to very much, of course I would. But only for you. Can you imagine what I would do for you? No, of course not, you have no clue. You've never had a clue, even after all this time, which I find almost unbearably aggravating. That's another thing we have in common, you and I, we refuse to believe it when we are complimented. It is too good to be true, it would mean that people actually like us. Oh, compliments about our writing talent, we'll take in stride, blushing and mumbling and looking away but we'll take them because we know, even if we'll never say it out-loud, that it's true. But if someone says we're beautiful, amazing, anything like that? No, no, that can't be true. Not you. You called me amazing once, do you remember? Probably not, it was so long ago and you feel so differently now. You held me then, too, I was shoreless before and have been ever since, I just want to come home.
I'm crawling out of my skin right now. I ache to be touched, to be kissed, to be held close to the heart of someone who loves me, who wants me. You, my beautiful Merlin, I would give anything if it was you. I feel so tired, I just want to crawl in bed and sleep, and pretend to be with you. That's what I do at night, you know, it helps me fall asleep. I pretend I am in your arms, in my mind, we talk about my day, you are holding me, I am happier than I ever am during the rest of my day. Oh, if you ever really found out about this, I'd probably spontaneously combust from pure embarrassment. But, God, I can't tell you what I would do if it only meant that you would be my friend again. Am I crazy, or are you pushing me away because you know it would be so easy to fall in love with me again? We are so similar, you and I, how can we be anything else but the fated other half? And we are opposite enough, too--I could never having a speaking part on stage for nerves, but you were in drama all through high school; I hate coffee, you love it; I can't cook, you can; I am too weak to move on, but you have more than enough strength for that. I'm lying to myself, I know, giving myself false hope because it is all I have left, it tastes so bitter but it's my sustenance. I can almost fool myself into believing that it isn't false at all, that you and I will be together in the end. But that's a movie, a romantic comedy, maybe; that's not life. It's certainly not my life. Maybe Alexis's life. Yes, that sort of thing would happen to her, the beautiful, quirky, sarcastic heroine. But not me. I'm the sidekick, you see, the passably cute, intelligent, supportive best friend. I could never be in the spotlight, I am so afraid of people looking at me, laughing at me. It's funny, I tell myself I would do anything for you, and I would do something as dramatic as take a bullet, or really any sort of death in your place. But a speech? A monologue? A song, dear Jesus, even you could not ask me to do it. Well, of course you could, but it would be with the utmost reluctance. But I know if you smiled at me just right, Jesus, if you touched me, if you really, truly asked me, if you wanted me to very much, of course I would. But only for you. Can you imagine what I would do for you? No, of course not, you have no clue. You've never had a clue, even after all this time, which I find almost unbearably aggravating. That's another thing we have in common, you and I, we refuse to believe it when we are complimented. It is too good to be true, it would mean that people actually like us. Oh, compliments about our writing talent, we'll take in stride, blushing and mumbling and looking away but we'll take them because we know, even if we'll never say it out-loud, that it's true. But if someone says we're beautiful, amazing, anything like that? No, no, that can't be true. Not you. You called me amazing once, do you remember? Probably not, it was so long ago and you feel so differently now. You held me then, too, I was shoreless before and have been ever since, I just want to come home.
