mom. I did not change my mind until I was 25. For 15 years, I did not speak to or see my mother. I remember one day, I was in middle school, and my mom dropped my sister off at our house. For some reason she got out of her car and was playing with our dog, Athena. I ran to my sister's bedroom window bc I wanted to see her badly. She never tried to talk to me. She never pleaded for a second chance. She never asked to be apart of my life. She wasn't at my high school or college graduation. She never saw one high school field hockey, basketball or softball game. She never saw a single moment of my college fh games. At the time it was a source of great sadness and anger. As an adult I realize it was the best thing she ever did for me. I am a better person today because my mom was not apart of my life. I'll never know if she stayed away bc she knew I was better off or if she stayed away simply bc she could not deal.
I couldn't handle the disappointment and rejection from my mother. Even as a 10year-old, defense mechanism swooped in to save what was left of me. I believed I made the decsion to kick my mother out of my life when in actuality she was never there in the first place. Deep down I always knew that, but I gained strength from the fact that I was the one who decided she couldn't be there at all, ever. Don't forget this was in the mind of a 10 year-old, which I don't often believe is too far removed from the mind of my 30 year-old self.
Like all kids, I used to play lets make a deal with God. I question my intelligence, for no matter how often God refused to play I continued to try to entice him into another game. 'God, please just erase my memory and place me in another house with other parents. I will never know the difference. I hate this life. I just want a mom. A mom and a dad that are still together and love each other. Or just change my mom and have her come back for me.' Sometimes I would get super specific in my requests. 'Change my mom and have her come back for me. We can live in a house and when I come home from school she will be there, with a snack of course. And we will talk about my school day. And somewhere in there she would hug me and tell me how great I was.' To no surprise, this never happened. I continued to live my life without memory loss.
I'm eventually going to have to discuss my father considering he raised my sister and I since we were the ages of 4 and 2. I can't begin to imagine how I will acurately depict my father to you considering I don't think he has been acurately depicted to me
I couldn't handle the disappointment and rejection from my mother. Even as a 10year-old, defense mechanism swooped in to save what was left of me. I believed I made the decsion to kick my mother out of my life when in actuality she was never there in the first place. Deep down I always knew that, but I gained strength from the fact that I was the one who decided she couldn't be there at all, ever. Don't forget this was in the mind of a 10 year-old, which I don't often believe is too far removed from the mind of my 30 year-old self.
Like all kids, I used to play lets make a deal with God. I question my intelligence, for no matter how often God refused to play I continued to try to entice him into another game. 'God, please just erase my memory and place me in another house with other parents. I will never know the difference. I hate this life. I just want a mom. A mom and a dad that are still together and love each other. Or just change my mom and have her come back for me.' Sometimes I would get super specific in my requests. 'Change my mom and have her come back for me. We can live in a house and when I come home from school she will be there, with a snack of course. And we will talk about my school day. And somewhere in there she would hug me and tell me how great I was.' To no surprise, this never happened. I continued to live my life without memory loss.
I'm eventually going to have to discuss my father considering he raised my sister and I since we were the ages of 4 and 2. I can't begin to imagine how I will acurately depict my father to you considering I don't think he has been acurately depicted to me
