it's confusing all over again, you know
Ha ha, there are so many variables! so many things to lose and gain, so many masks to put on. and really, there's the issue of not even really knowing who the person under the mask is, no matter what sort of ball we're going to.

shave the trachea, but keep the voice, pick up an hourglass to cover bones that won't change. it's so obvious to nobody but me! how does one get past that? more importantly, how does one get -to- that?

goodness, goodness, what a mess.

you felt fantastic today. you were you for a little while, and nothing happened. don't be scared of spiteful phantoms.



it's been a while since you wrote what's below this. stop doing that, it's silly.


every time the wind's at my back, i turn to check for daggers

this part isn't old, but new. it's still a mess, though. i don't even know how to quantify what's going on in my head. that's the funny thing. i know it's not really there. i'm not sure why i let it control me, but when i control it, i feel so dead inside

i don't know how to be happy with myself. some things are going better, and that's good, but there's this feeling that it'll never be quite enough. some days i hate everything. some days i think about killing myself, and that's no good. ideation is only something, but i just don't know what to do. i feel like i'm making compromises that i don't need to be making because i'm scared of what will actually happen if i go through with a sex change.

who'll suddenly hate me? why do i care so much? i know that there are people out there that understand this sort of thing, but i don't even know what to do.