I always want what is bad for me. Gen is self-centered. She is egocentric in the worst sense. She is terribly self-absorbed. She can turn a simple statement on my part about sleep into a full paragraph about her sleeping habits. All of our conversations are based around her accomplishments, her daily happenings, the people in her life. And she ignores me when I talk about myself. You'd think that I'd just stop responding to someone like that, but I can't. I think I'm in love with her. I love the way she's so mean, but she saves a soft spot of herself for me. She talks to me everyday, wishes me luck on my exams, makes sure I'm studying. She doesn't text me when she knows I'm driving. She cares about me. She'd never admit it, but she does. She makes me feel like shit, all while making me feel special. And that's why I can't break it off. That's why I can't stop responding to her messages. It doesn't matter how many people tell me she is toxic. In fact, the more people warn me, the more inclined I am to want her. I'm pretty much a mess. I've always been this way with girls. And I've always promised myself not to settle.
On Friday night, I got drunk. I was in Shannon's bed. Shannon is a lesbian whom I have disclosed information about my questioning sexuality preference with. It was Halloween. We were watching scary movies and cuddling close. One thing led to another, and in the morning I woke up with some regrets. I don't feel a single thing for Shannon, but I'm afraid I've led her to believe that I do. If I'm being completely honest, I hooked up with her to get a reaction out of Gen. I wanted to see if she would be mad, happy, sad, all of the above. I just want to know if Gen is feeling this too, dammit. Gen played it off, told me not to talk to her about this stuff. (I took this as a little victory). But now Shannon's got her friends asking me if I have feelings for her (I don't) and I don't want things to be awkward because she's Emily's roommate. And I have to LIVE WITH HER NEXT YEAR.
And if you thought my weekend couldn't get any gayer, it did. I spent most of it cuddled up to a sweet-scented gay guy named Gabe. And later, my roommate came out to me. Weird weekend.
I'm going home for the weekend and I'm so glad. I feel like I didn't adequately summarize my thoughts, but it's enough for now.
On Friday night, I got drunk. I was in Shannon's bed. Shannon is a lesbian whom I have disclosed information about my questioning sexuality preference with. It was Halloween. We were watching scary movies and cuddling close. One thing led to another, and in the morning I woke up with some regrets. I don't feel a single thing for Shannon, but I'm afraid I've led her to believe that I do. If I'm being completely honest, I hooked up with her to get a reaction out of Gen. I wanted to see if she would be mad, happy, sad, all of the above. I just want to know if Gen is feeling this too, dammit. Gen played it off, told me not to talk to her about this stuff. (I took this as a little victory). But now Shannon's got her friends asking me if I have feelings for her (I don't) and I don't want things to be awkward because she's Emily's roommate. And I have to LIVE WITH HER NEXT YEAR.
And if you thought my weekend couldn't get any gayer, it did. I spent most of it cuddled up to a sweet-scented gay guy named Gabe. And later, my roommate came out to me. Weird weekend.
I'm going home for the weekend and I'm so glad. I feel like I didn't adequately summarize my thoughts, but it's enough for now.
