Life is about timing. Everything has a time. Growing up, while an ongoing process, comes in due time. Getting married comes in due time. One day, you wake up and you realize that not only have you begun to grow up but you also have a husband. A husband who loves you and wants to make babies with you. One day. Possibly sooner rather than later. Suddenly you find yourself wondering when is a good time to create life? How accomplished or successful should you feel before you have children? Should you have a career first or can you find your career while raising a child?
Good timing, like life, is all about give and take. Sometimes, the timing is more right for one person in the relationship than the other. Sometimes within yourself you find conflicting feelings. For instance, I want to be young mother. I don't want to be automatically "high risk" while pregnant. I don't want to be sixty by the time my children grow up and create lives of their own. However, I'm currently not fulfilled, successful or accomplished. Every single day I feel the push and pull of these conflicting feelings. Every. Single. Day. It gets old. I wonder when I will feel accomplished or successful enough to raise another human being? When I have a Master's degree? When I have a Phd? When I'm a professor? Do I need to go all the way to the end of those questions to feel ready? If so, I guess I'll be an older parent as a result of my late choice to pursue academia. Honestly, I don't want that. Yet, I don't know if I can be a super woman and raise a child (and a husband) while pursuing my latent dreams. Admittedly most women probably do not have the answers to these question when they jump off into the deep end of motherhood. Instead, it seems that they posses a faith that I do not currently posses. A faith that tells them everything will work out in the end. It may be hard but it will all be a-okay. Or perhaps, those dirty things called hormones get in the way and convince them that the baby needs to happen now. Not next year or the next. Now. Amidst all of this musing I do know one thing. The role of a "stay at home mom" does not appeal to me. I do not want to only be known for raising my children (no matter how wonderful or not they turn out to be). Which brings me back to timing. Life is all about timing. Timing can make something the best thing that ever happened or the worst. Time is not unlike a tightrope. We inch along it and try to feel out our next move so we can prepare for the moments when we lose our balance swing our arms frantically trying to re-gain that previous balance. For today, I'll continue inching forward as I try to feel my way down the tightrope of life, stuck somewhere between marriage and babies, hoping I don't lose my balance.
Good timing, like life, is all about give and take. Sometimes, the timing is more right for one person in the relationship than the other. Sometimes within yourself you find conflicting feelings. For instance, I want to be young mother. I don't want to be automatically "high risk" while pregnant. I don't want to be sixty by the time my children grow up and create lives of their own. However, I'm currently not fulfilled, successful or accomplished. Every single day I feel the push and pull of these conflicting feelings. Every. Single. Day. It gets old. I wonder when I will feel accomplished or successful enough to raise another human being? When I have a Master's degree? When I have a Phd? When I'm a professor? Do I need to go all the way to the end of those questions to feel ready? If so, I guess I'll be an older parent as a result of my late choice to pursue academia. Honestly, I don't want that. Yet, I don't know if I can be a super woman and raise a child (and a husband) while pursuing my latent dreams. Admittedly most women probably do not have the answers to these question when they jump off into the deep end of motherhood. Instead, it seems that they posses a faith that I do not currently posses. A faith that tells them everything will work out in the end. It may be hard but it will all be a-okay. Or perhaps, those dirty things called hormones get in the way and convince them that the baby needs to happen now. Not next year or the next. Now. Amidst all of this musing I do know one thing. The role of a "stay at home mom" does not appeal to me. I do not want to only be known for raising my children (no matter how wonderful or not they turn out to be). Which brings me back to timing. Life is all about timing. Timing can make something the best thing that ever happened or the worst. Time is not unlike a tightrope. We inch along it and try to feel out our next move so we can prepare for the moments when we lose our balance swing our arms frantically trying to re-gain that previous balance. For today, I'll continue inching forward as I try to feel my way down the tightrope of life, stuck somewhere between marriage and babies, hoping I don't lose my balance.
