It's not the first time it's happened. Really, it's happened quite often. But it's been a while. And I've had so much more on my mind lately. And he seemed like the type to confide in; to trust. My only consolation is the semester's over so I won't be seeing him anymore. I'll just have to avoid the fifth floor like the plague for the next 3-4 years. I'm ok with that.
I just don't get how they don't understand; how they don't see. See how much I want them to stop, how uncomfortable it makes me, how dirty and disgusting it makes me. The lust in their eyes makes my skin crawl to the point where I wish I could physically remove it. It makes me want to gain a hundred pounds and slash my face and become cruel and unpleasant so as to remove any source of attraction whatsoever. It makes me want to run away and hide myself from everyone in existence. It makes me hate everything about the way I look and act.
And people joke and laugh about sleazy, dirty old men ogling girls like me...and some girls are ok with it and flaunt themselves even more. But I'm not ok with it. I'm not ok with it at all. It makes me want to cry. It makes me miserable. And mostly, it makes me scared; downright terrified, really. It gets to the point where just thinking about being around them makes me shake and my heartbeat race and my mind to shut down in a state of blank panic. I do everything I possibly can to ensure that they will never be around me so that I don't have to see the looks, avoid the touches, find excuses not to hug. I do everything in my power to eliminate them from my life which is already quite filled enough with issues and challenges.
It's just unfortunate because he started out almost as a mentor. He was someone I really was planning on being around for quite some time because he had something to offer that actually made me happy. So now it's a double loss: I will never be able to go back to it because it will always be tainted with the stain of repulsion that I now feel for him.
Just one more who started to make me happy and then made me feel worse than ever.
I just don't get how they don't understand; how they don't see. See how much I want them to stop, how uncomfortable it makes me, how dirty and disgusting it makes me. The lust in their eyes makes my skin crawl to the point where I wish I could physically remove it. It makes me want to gain a hundred pounds and slash my face and become cruel and unpleasant so as to remove any source of attraction whatsoever. It makes me want to run away and hide myself from everyone in existence. It makes me hate everything about the way I look and act.
And people joke and laugh about sleazy, dirty old men ogling girls like me...and some girls are ok with it and flaunt themselves even more. But I'm not ok with it. I'm not ok with it at all. It makes me want to cry. It makes me miserable. And mostly, it makes me scared; downright terrified, really. It gets to the point where just thinking about being around them makes me shake and my heartbeat race and my mind to shut down in a state of blank panic. I do everything I possibly can to ensure that they will never be around me so that I don't have to see the looks, avoid the touches, find excuses not to hug. I do everything in my power to eliminate them from my life which is already quite filled enough with issues and challenges.
It's just unfortunate because he started out almost as a mentor. He was someone I really was planning on being around for quite some time because he had something to offer that actually made me happy. So now it's a double loss: I will never be able to go back to it because it will always be tainted with the stain of repulsion that I now feel for him.
Just one more who started to make me happy and then made me feel worse than ever.
