there is a rush in what im doing here today a certain twinge of life back to my metaphorical heart. I am supposed to be doing homework but i am watching criminal minds, writing you and thinking about life. Its all wasting away beneath me. I cant seem to grasp a hand full of dirt, A cup of the sands of time. If you will. I watch as blood drips across the screen and attractive men solve Hannis crimes. I tell people i have a love and really hes not mine Ryan is not my lover not even really my frined my entire life is lies based on nothing. I lie to feel like i have a life worth living like i matter somewhere in the world like im not alone. I cant even think i feel like im loosing it like my grasp on reality and realty is leaving me like i need to bounce off the walls and scream and shout like i could never leave nbot untill peace had come. Not until i was whole. I could freeze the universe and leave i could be alone i could be calm. but i cant i wont and i shouldnt what will ahppen if im all alone.