Have I always experienced what I expected to experience? How do I reprogram my mind or even bypass it completely to let my spirit heal? I think certain oils would be immensely helpful but they are costly and while we have back rent, current rent, utilities and late car tags due on top of no car insurance it is not wisdom to spend money on more oils. Then there is the questions I have for God about provision lately. We have been sooooooooooooooooo faithful to serve, faithful to tithe, I'm out there working the only gig I've been able to secure and planning another and yet our bills go unpaid. What kind of provision is that?!! I've learned to live frugally for the most part in conjunction with living more naturally. I'M DOING MY PART!!!! Where are YOU?? Here I sit writing out my innermost thoughts and feelings about laying everything aside to deal with my relationship with someone who is known as Perfect Love while my family holds our collective breath financially. Faith, lack of it, pride, condemnation; it's all jumbled up inside me and I don't know what's real at the moment and what's not except for the shame I feel for letting doubt distract me from what your word says. Please help me God, help me shake this doubt and pride and hold onto the bedrock of your words. Surely if you said you would provide then the lack of provision is not your fault but ours. Please show me whatever my recent attitudes have blinded me to, show me truth. Please give me your wisdom to know what to do, specific wisdom Lord. I have immediate issues I need to deal with like grocery shopping when I can't legally drive our car and trying to support my husband biblicaly while feeling like it's mostly his fault we are in this financial hole. Help me to change my attitude please Lord. Okay, I know you're at least listening. Billy's mom has been forwarding to me this daily devotional that until this moment has irritated the hell out of me but not now. Isaiah 40:21-31 is exactly what I needed tonight. I am going to try my best to not think past where I am right now, trying to guess how this will go. I'm so weary of those I open my heart to condemning me, I can't handle any more disappointment God, please don't let me down.