I held my breath, if I didn’t I would choke on the things I didn’t know were hiding in me. If I didn’t I would suffocate on all the tears I wouldn’t allow to scar my cheeks. If I didn’t someone might notice that I no longer felt anything. No one would understand, I couldn’t trust them to. I was fine.

Everyone noticed.

Kyla said nothing and instead turned away so she could cry and I could hold her. I told her everything would be better this way. It had to be. I told her not to worry. I wasn’t sure if I meant it, but telling her was also like telling a small part of myself, maybe I could convince me too. I told her I would always be there for her. And that I meant.

I sipped in a breath of air.

I held it.

No one noticed.

* * *

Some time later, things had settled as much as they were ever going to.

My mom still asked me every day how I was.

I was always fine.

I always held my breath.

She always noticed.