to write. the most difficult things for me to start. but as soon as i seem to start i cannot stop easily. why? i dont know. possibly im like a train, once i start its hard to stop. i love writing.

writing is my passion.
my love.
my hate.
my fear.

i fear stagnation of progress.
i fear not being the best i can be.
i fear not being accepted.
i fear the defenseman and much as i hate to admit it.

i fear love.

i fear the idea of love.
i want to love. but i am unsure of what love is. i think i love breanna. i hate the thought of losing her.
but at the same time i think i do. and i think i could marry her. but on the other side of the table i dont think i could marry her. she is somtimes a bitch, she gets after me about stupid shit that i really dont care about and it hurts. but maybe im painting her in my head that she is a bitch. shes really not. shes nice. she trusts me. and maybe when she teases me its out of the shell she has built around her because of cody and whatever the fuck he did to her.

the same thing i did to nathalie.
i hate that i did that i really do. i still hurt to this day. its terrible. i love nathalie. i really do. i know in my heart of hearts i do. but i can never tell her. never.
We can be the best of friends but never lovers. i cant let it happen. because i know if it does- we will fall together. we will fall so far that we wouldnt be able to stop. we would go to the point of no return. we would end up together forever. and...im not sure if i want that. but i do. oh i want it more than i can stand.