I haven't done this in a while, mostly because I've just been terribly busy, but I kind of feel like I need to get some things out and this is at least fairly natural feeling and the gentle reminders, well, gently remind me that I have the option.
I remember once writing that the biggest problem that I have in my life is that I love people too much. And not just some people. Everybody. Anyone that I meet, and spend any actual time with I just come to care about really deeply.
Which isn't to say that I'm not as selfish as the next person, I guess, depending on who the next person is we're discussing, or that I can't live my life knowing that there are people suffering and dying all over the world. I've built up barriers to atrocities too. I can't comprehend number bigger than a few thousand when it comes to lives ending. It stops making sense, usually, and if you put it into terms of each person having a life--not even just being alive--then your brain shuts down. Was the person in love? Did they do well in school? Did they go to school? It's too much.
And, so, I guess what I'm worried about now is that capacity for love, for even the people around me, feels like it's starting to dwindle. I do care about people, but it's getting less and less like it's something that defines me. And that worries me.
I'm starting to wonder if I'm a decent a person as I think I am.
Ah, well. It's something to think about. Look into.
Meanwhile. I'm going to go for a run tonight, I think. I am taking a couple of weeks off from some of my lazier habits and try to be a better person. Heh. At least physically. Maybe the other will come if I can clean myself up a bit.
Anyway, still crazy about LVP. But that's for another time. She's away for a few weeks and that means we get a break from each other. Well, heh. She gets a break from me. I have to constantly look at her as I get this next show done. And hear her voice. And... smell her, somehow.
Later.
Trying this on my phone. Not an extremely efficient way to write but it might while away a few hours on public transportation. Yeah. It might beat sending emails to people I think are interested in hearing from me. Usually they're ok with it but I do tend to get a bit futile and ardent on the move.
But I can do that here and at least I don't end up having to explain to a girl I slept with a year ago why I've said she has "penetrating eyes" in an email.
I am so at cross purpose with myself
I remember once writing that the biggest problem that I have in my life is that I love people too much. And not just some people. Everybody. Anyone that I meet, and spend any actual time with I just come to care about really deeply.
Which isn't to say that I'm not as selfish as the next person, I guess, depending on who the next person is we're discussing, or that I can't live my life knowing that there are people suffering and dying all over the world. I've built up barriers to atrocities too. I can't comprehend number bigger than a few thousand when it comes to lives ending. It stops making sense, usually, and if you put it into terms of each person having a life--not even just being alive--then your brain shuts down. Was the person in love? Did they do well in school? Did they go to school? It's too much.
And, so, I guess what I'm worried about now is that capacity for love, for even the people around me, feels like it's starting to dwindle. I do care about people, but it's getting less and less like it's something that defines me. And that worries me.
I'm starting to wonder if I'm a decent a person as I think I am.
Ah, well. It's something to think about. Look into.
Meanwhile. I'm going to go for a run tonight, I think. I am taking a couple of weeks off from some of my lazier habits and try to be a better person. Heh. At least physically. Maybe the other will come if I can clean myself up a bit.
Anyway, still crazy about LVP. But that's for another time. She's away for a few weeks and that means we get a break from each other. Well, heh. She gets a break from me. I have to constantly look at her as I get this next show done. And hear her voice. And... smell her, somehow.
Later.
Trying this on my phone. Not an extremely efficient way to write but it might while away a few hours on public transportation. Yeah. It might beat sending emails to people I think are interested in hearing from me. Usually they're ok with it but I do tend to get a bit futile and ardent on the move.
But I can do that here and at least I don't end up having to explain to a girl I slept with a year ago why I've said she has "penetrating eyes" in an email.
I am so at cross purpose with myself
