snippet from November 21, 2016
November 21, 2016
I am feeling sad, anxious, confused.

May 31, 2017:
I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. Jordan has been brushing off my worries lately as if they're mosquitos. I bring up the fact that we aren't arguing well; he isn't treating me with respect when we fight. He starts pouting and begrudgingly says he's sorry. What the fuck? I didn't sign up for this type of disrespect. If I have a feeling about something then I'm going to say it! He treats my anxiety as an excuse for things sometimes, as if I'm broken and he has to deal with me and it. It makes his depression worse, okay, but it's all about him. It's never about me 100%, as it should have been lately with all of my exciting news. The past month has made that quite clear. When I am celebrating getting into Boston Conservatory, he is sulking in the corner because he's anxious about the move and scared he won't get a job. I haven't been excited once, and if I have it has had this cloud hanging over it.
Jordan comes to visit next week. I wonder how it will go. Today though I'm pissed. Today I'm wondering if I can handle him at all anymore. His words, "go fuck yourself," have been ringing in my ears for a month and I have heard no sincere apology for them. He says I mean the world to him but he is not acting like it when he does this. Figure out your shit, Jordan. I hate you right now. You are ruining me. Only time will tell if we get through this, but I'm going to Boston and getting roommates no matter what. I'm not living with this shit.


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