Dear Stranger, 11/13/12
Today was good. I actually left my house for once. I don't do that often. I guess you could say I am socially awkward, and my anxiety gets worse around lots of people. I wasn't always like this, I'm not sure what happened. I do have a boyfriend, and have been with him for three years. We are happy some days, others I am not so sure. We hold a lot of resentment towards one another, which I am sure I will get into some other time. Do you ever wonder how you can love someone so much and hate them just the same? I think there is a very fine line between love and hate. I read this quote today that says "Some people are worth a lot of work to keep around" I guess it made me feel better. I know it's hard for him to. I am hard person to be with these days. One good thing is that we are best friends, and we can laugh, and play. The thought of being without him literally makes me feel like I am falling apart physically. Is it possible to be that attached to another human being? It's a little scary if you think about it. Without him, I feel like I would be nothing. Even though I know I am worth so much more. He knows every part of me, every ugly quality, every freckle, every curve. He knows what I am afraid of, and what makes me happy. He has seen me at my worst and still loves me. I know that takes strength. Still, there are times I just wanna feel appreciated. I just want to feel like he gives a shit. I want to feel like I am the only girl in the world that matters. I want to feel like he needs me and would feel like he was falling apart without me like I do him. Maybe he does feel that way. He will never say it, if it is true. He wouldn't give me the satisfaction. He caught me talking to other guys not that long ago, I guess I just did it for attention. That is what I told him too. I haven't responded to the guys since then. Except this one. That's a story for another time. I have to say, I am a faithful person if you earn it. I just feel like nothing I do will ever matter to him enough, and he doesn't make me feel pretty or sexy. I need that some times. These guys I would talk to, they would make me sick. They just looked at me as a place to put their dick, and I felt extremely small. I felt like I was just any another girl. I ended up feeling like shit, needless to say. I guess I deserved it. At the end of the day, I want to go back home to the boy who knows all of my ugly secrets. Most of them anyway. I'm not really sure why I told you this. Who knows what I will tell you next time.
I hope your life is full of beautiful things.
- B
Today was good. I actually left my house for once. I don't do that often. I guess you could say I am socially awkward, and my anxiety gets worse around lots of people. I wasn't always like this, I'm not sure what happened. I do have a boyfriend, and have been with him for three years. We are happy some days, others I am not so sure. We hold a lot of resentment towards one another, which I am sure I will get into some other time. Do you ever wonder how you can love someone so much and hate them just the same? I think there is a very fine line between love and hate. I read this quote today that says "Some people are worth a lot of work to keep around" I guess it made me feel better. I know it's hard for him to. I am hard person to be with these days. One good thing is that we are best friends, and we can laugh, and play. The thought of being without him literally makes me feel like I am falling apart physically. Is it possible to be that attached to another human being? It's a little scary if you think about it. Without him, I feel like I would be nothing. Even though I know I am worth so much more. He knows every part of me, every ugly quality, every freckle, every curve. He knows what I am afraid of, and what makes me happy. He has seen me at my worst and still loves me. I know that takes strength. Still, there are times I just wanna feel appreciated. I just want to feel like he gives a shit. I want to feel like I am the only girl in the world that matters. I want to feel like he needs me and would feel like he was falling apart without me like I do him. Maybe he does feel that way. He will never say it, if it is true. He wouldn't give me the satisfaction. He caught me talking to other guys not that long ago, I guess I just did it for attention. That is what I told him too. I haven't responded to the guys since then. Except this one. That's a story for another time. I have to say, I am a faithful person if you earn it. I just feel like nothing I do will ever matter to him enough, and he doesn't make me feel pretty or sexy. I need that some times. These guys I would talk to, they would make me sick. They just looked at me as a place to put their dick, and I felt extremely small. I felt like I was just any another girl. I ended up feeling like shit, needless to say. I guess I deserved it. At the end of the day, I want to go back home to the boy who knows all of my ugly secrets. Most of them anyway. I'm not really sure why I told you this. Who knows what I will tell you next time.
I hope your life is full of beautiful things.
- B
